Knowing When to Divorce a Narcissistic Husband

Published: 29th June 2010
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Every day the thought nags at you: how and when to divorce your narcissistic husband. His condescending behavior and emotional blackmailing maneuvers leave you feeling trapped and stifled. Conflict seems to gratify him, while the marital sparring matches drain and sadden you every time.

Is this what you are living? If it is, I know you are wise enough to see that breaking free from your marriage will take every bit of your resolve. When to divorce? What's the fastest divorce? What's the easiest divorce? There are no easy answers...I'm sorry. There are bad answers, though--and what you will NOT hear from me is, "Just follow your instincts and get the fastest divorce you can." (Not unless you're being physically abused, that is.)

I have listed here five nuggets of wisdom that I learned the hard way. These five bits of advice have one main idea in common: "The fastest divorce is, in the long run, never the easiest divorce." This is the kind of stuff that sympathetic girlfriends are unlikely to offer. If you are wondering when to divorce an emotionally abusive man, you should read and consider carefully. This advice that may just speed you on your way to real freedom.

1. Don't tell a soul that you are planning when to divorce.

You must maintain secrecy during this time. Whatever you share with others may find its way back to your spouse. If this happens, your essential preparation period will have been lost--and the legal conflict will have begun. Remember also that anyone you confide in may be summoned for court testimony. The easiest divorce is the secretly plotted divorce.

2. Be the smiling, perfect wife. The woman who's so busy stoking the narcissist's ego to think about when to divorce him.

Yes, this is really tough--and yes (sigh) it is dishonest. But I urge you to think unemotionally about what the role-playing will gain you. if your husband is emotionally abusive, you need two things from him while you plan. First, you require a fairly peaceful existence as you figure out when to divorce him. Second, you need freedom from close scrutiny. Placate the guy--it will keep you on track in planning how and when to divorce. The easiest divorce is the well planned divorce.

3.Know your finances.

Know what you have, and know what you ower--and be sure you can access every single account. When to divorce? Not before you've got a handle on what you net worth is. Put it all on a spreadsheet, and do NOT title it "When to Divorce." Give it a sweet homemaker title like, "grocery list template." The easiest divorce is the spreadsheet-documented divorce.

4. If you're a stay-at-home mom, DON'T get a job now.

"What!" you exclaim? "You're coaching me on when to divorce, and you're advising me to stay unemployed?!" Yes, I am--and so will any attorney worth her salt. It will work against you in the spousal support calculations. The easiest divorce is the high-spousal-support divorce.

5. Begin stashing cash secretly--a little every month.

Even if you remain unsure about when to divorce, you can be quite certain that you will need cash. Lots of it. There are a hundred ways to do this if you are patient and resourceful. The easiest divorce is, ultimately, the one where you do not have to go begging friends and family for money while you wait for the property settlement.

When to divorce is a heart-wrenching and deeply personal decision. Neither the easiest divorce nor the fastest divorce benefits you in the long run. Only a well thought out, painstakingly planned divorce will launch you smoothly into the rest of your life.

This one short article is too limited a space for me to address all the important considerations in deciding when to divorce. However, if you want more clear-headed, been-there-done-that information to help you determine when to divorce an emotionally abusive man, visit

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